The past week or so has been kind of rough. Someone decided that he didn't want to sleep very much at night; instead he decided he wanted to eat from 9pm until 2am one night and then be up and play for a couple hours the night. Anyone who knows me knows that i don't do very well on little sleep. And little sleep for me is 6 hours instead of 8; you don't even want to see me on 3 hours of sleep.
Lots of tears have been cried (mostly by me). A few "what was i thinking wanting to be a mom" moments, followed by "I'm a horrible mother for even thinking that" moments. A couple days where i didn't step out of the house once and a couple more that i never changed out of my pajamas. Lots and lots of wondering how i was ever supposed to get it together enough to do anything other than sit on the couch all day and watch TV/ sleep. Seriously how can i do anything when someone is so cuddly and won't let me put him down even for 2 minutes to use the bathroom without crying.
The past few days have definitely not been the best. The worst part is that i feel guilty for being frustrated or upset because really i think i have a pretty easy baby. No he won't let me set him down at all during the day but at least he's not screaming all day. I was talking to David about it though and he said something that made sense. He said, just because he doesn't scream all day doesn't mean he's not a difficult baby in other ways and just because other people handle more difficult babies doesn't mean you should be dealing with this better. Also, we're trying not to compare ourselves to other who have recently had babies because most of the other people we know who have had babies recently have some family around to help fairly often. Oh how i wish i could call my mom to come hold him while i shower or sleep or whatever but she's 1500 miles away. So instead i call her and cry. Seriously, people tell you that having a baby is hard but you never really understand until it's you. I guess just like every other challenge in life you kids are custom tailored to you. We're learning.
To end on a high note, because i do love this guy and not everything about being a parent is horrible, the past two nights he has slept well. He's woken up to eat and then fallen back to sleep. I've been able to sleep in bed and I feel mostly good in the morning. I've also discovered that the baby sling/carrier is just as good as my arms to him. So during the day I'll strap him in and be able to get a few things done around the house. And he is super cute and sweet. He's started giving me real smiles and those are just the sweetest thing ever. Maybe, just maybe we're starting to get a routine down. Which makes me so happy but also so scared to ever leave the house/ our routine. I'm taking David to work today and going to try to go to a Relief Society play date thing. Hopefully this doesn't throw everything off! I do love this little boy. He is so sweet. I know he loves me and trusts me completely so it makes it a little easier to do everything for him.
And a side funny note, yesterday i went to YW for the first time after having him. I was going to be a little late already but not much. The secretary texted me to ask if i was coming and just after i texted yes little Mr. Isaac, who was eating, decided it was time to spit up all over me. And not a little spit up, entire meal spit up. Most of the goodness went right into the cup of my bra, the rest on my stomach. I cried and took a shower. Was 40 minutes late instead of 15 but now i have a pretty good story to tell :)
6 comments:
I agree it takes a village to raise a kid and we're (me and brad) are super lucky to live in the middle of both sets of parents. But we also had the NICU for 2 1/2 weeks. . . which was hard and a blessing at the same time.
PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE, call me when you need help or anything! I know I work during the day but I can totally drop by at lunch or something. . .
I felt guilty for having feelings like that after having a baby, but I think it is more normal than you realize. I remember MANY times thinking, "What have I gotten into?!?!" Having a baby COMPLETELY changes your world and your life in ways you could never have imagined. I still remember when it hit me that I didn't get a weekend break like I used to from difficult jobs! And to realize that it is 24...7...on and on and on. It will get easier AND you will also get more used to it. Being a mom is a lot of work, but you become so tied to your little one. And just because you sometimes secretly wish for a moment that you could have your old life back or wonder what you were thinking, it doesn't mean you don't love your little man or that he is any less special to you. Hang in there!
He can be a difficult baby and still be the most adorable. And he is cute. Seriously, Aidan was just like that, and we didn't realize it until we had Asher. Keep your sense of humor, tho. You can wonder what possessed you to have a baby, we all know the good outweighs the bad...eventually. :) You're doing awesome. And keep talking about it, cuz you're not alone.
You are AMAZING! Don't worry, I have felt all of those emotions in the last two months. I even wrote a blog post that I haven't posted about my frustrations. I am totally praying for you.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about, NOTHING. Every mother out there has wondered what in the world she was thinking when she wished for a baby. (Usually the first time that crosses her mind is when she's in labor, before the epidural kicks in.) Babies are tough, and like Melissa says, just because they're difficult doesn't mean they're not cute. In fact, I think maybe they have to be even cuter when they tough, to outweigh how miserable you are.
You'll get through this. Keep writing, and when you have doubts, continue to post because then all the rest of the moms can answer "Yep, I felt the same way" and you'll know you're normal and so is Isaac. You will be amazed at how much that will help.
Love you so much.
Susie
(How's his belly button doing?)
Have you been reading my journal? Seriously, you could have taken this straight out of an entry when Ryan was born. And he wasn't difficult either! Once Brady came along and actually was colicky and horrible I was thinking these same things times ten. Luckily though, it does get better. Sleep deprivation is the worst. I really think having a newborn would be a breeze if I could do it on a full night of rest. Eventually Isaac will start sleeping better and you will get a routine that works for both of you. Until then- Good luck! (and thanks for posting this so all us moms can feel like we aren't the only ones.)
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